As a way towards claiming wholeness, while becoming conscious.
Practicing awareness as a tool to lift out of past patterning. For the quality of this moment will inform what is to come.
My power is my presence.
I nod to the daffodils + crocuses who are unapologetically sharing their unique color after a winter void of such boldness.
During this spring awakening I commit to beauty as a way to own my inherent value. Stepping into myself even more, while thanking all the past iterations of me for their service : careful not to shame them.
With each choice I am slowly building an updated infrastructure to inhabit new dimensions that are waiting for me.
Dear Elliot is now six months. With eyelashes that go on and on, fingernails that always need cutting, and a neck when kissed nearly always prompts a deep belly laugh : I am grateful for this cloud of softness and joy.
He has shown me new ways to be, as I suppose babies, new seasons, transition, and change beg of us : to find new dimensions to inhabit. And yet I find myself unconsciously existing in old patterns, old habits, old ways of being that don’t necessarily fit or feel good anymore : but are known, and for that reason comfortable.
And so this gradual quickening, unfolding of life is beckoning me onward to a new frontier, and may I be brave enough to take that step onto a different plane. Existing in a way I have never before. Risking, making, offering, sharing, and honoring beauty in all its forms. Nodding to the contrast of life that both breaks and heals the heart. Making room for my spirit to continue to develop and to embrace total abundance. And deeply remembering in my roots : I belong and so do you.
I have been in a space of preserving myself. Conserving my energy as I navigate mothering three small children, as I stay warm through winter.
I am following the pattern of the dormant seed, hunkered down out of sight, with seemingly nothing happening to the visible eye…
I’ve honored these primal instincts of protection, of not wanting to overextend. Fearful that I’d repeat past patterns : of overextension and depletion, which most likely informed my struggle with post partum depression.
This made me delay any teaching commitments. It put tremendous weight on whatever I did outside of the house having to be “worth it”. This put me in a seemingly constant state of uncertainty.
And here I am ready to emerge, ready to sprout, ready to follow what feels good, and to reclaim myself once again.
And while I do so, I’m wondering :
How can I open myself up so I am nourished and filled up while giving, while being engaged in the world? So it is a true exchange of energy rather than one great big give, followed by days of taking to restore my well.
I want to be in a constant conversation led by my heart. I want to be vital, fluid, and free.
“It is the speaking of one’s heart that makes a human being human. For even if no one hears us, it is the act of speaking that frees us by letting the spirit swim and fly through the world.” – Mark Nepo