The Shame of Hiding

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It eventually became so comfortable, I couldn’t imagine unearthing from my invisibility cloak.

When my third child was born I put myself on the bench.

He tipped the scales, and I didn’t have a strong infrastructure to hold it all.

Within self preservation : a part of me died. A release of the current self in order to evolve.

I am reassembling the parts, for I feel I have replaced one of my own limbs with a baby for these past 16 months.

Like a game of hide and seek, I was desperately waiting for someone to find me. The more I waited for that external discovery, the more I realized no one was looking for me. Except for myself. I was frantically searching as I understood : I get to set myself free.

It is me who gets to step off of the sidelines and get back into the game. To claim with arms wide open :

HERE I AM.

I needed time to heal, and I will continue to mend, but I wish for it to be more of a dance : expressing and resting, both vitally important and a healthy exchange.

For right now I’m ready to enter back into my life in a meaningful + engaged way. With my three children witnessing me as I step back in.

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Compassionate Revolution

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She was hungry; I fed her.

She was thirsty; I offered her something to drink.

She was tired; I let her rest.

She was sad; I felt her tears stream down.

She was desperate to move; I let her shake her hips.

She was filled with rage; I let her scream.

She was tired of hiding; I found her.

She was me.

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Replenishment

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May you locate the source of your deep replenishment and engage with it often

May you find creative pauses of opening and closing. Big adventure intertwined with nourishing sustenance, preferably on a picnic blanket.

May the inhale be deep and unhurried; flooding your body to feed your spirit. Allowing the exhale to be a natural response, a conversation with what was just received.

May you trust that the depths you travel will serve as a launching pad to higher heights.

May you access your center while in motion.

May your heart intuit the answers your mind may be searching for, as you follow the breadcrumbs while present to the support around you.

May you thrive.

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It Is Not Lost On Me…

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That how I do anything is how I do I everything.

It is not lost on me : the sensational beauty of the flowering trees.

It is not lost on me : the fleetingness of it all.

It is not lost on me : the incredible relief I experience sinking into a bath.

It is not lost on me : the need to tend to my roots so deeply, consistently, and kindly so I do not reach and seek for external validation.

It is not lost on me : the sweetness I require during this intense phase of motherhood, which are all parts healing, joy, and tremendous frustration.

It is not lost on me : the women who have come before me and are gently guiding me.

It is not lost on me : that consciously pausing is how I recalibrate the frequency of my being.

It is not lost on me : that meeting the moment exactly how it is is a portal towards freedom.

It is not lost on me : my deep desire for presence, for tenderness, for compassion.

It is not lost on me : that I am worth it.

Except for all the times it is, and I haven’t a clue.

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Currently

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Reorienting myself towards beauty.

As a way towards claiming wholeness, while becoming conscious.

Practicing awareness as a tool to lift out of past patterning. For the quality of this moment will inform what is to come.

My power is my presence.

I nod to the daffodils + crocuses who are unapologetically sharing their unique color after a winter void of such boldness.

During this spring awakening I commit to beauty as a way to own my inherent value. Stepping into myself even more, while thanking all the past iterations of me for their service : careful not to shame them.

With each choice I am slowly building an updated infrastructure to inhabit new dimensions that are waiting for me.

Dappled with light.

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Development of Spirit

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Dear Elliot is now six months. With eyelashes that go on and on, fingernails that always need cutting, and a neck when kissed nearly always prompts a deep belly laugh : I am grateful for this cloud of softness and joy.

He has shown me new ways to be, as I suppose babies, new seasons, transition, and change beg of us : to find new dimensions to inhabit. And yet I find myself unconsciously existing in old patterns, old habits, old ways of being that don’t necessarily fit or feel good anymore : but are known, and for that reason comfortable.

And so this gradual quickening, unfolding of life is beckoning me onward to a new frontier, and may I be brave enough to take that step onto a different plane. Existing in a way I have never before. Risking, making, offering, sharing, and honoring beauty in all its forms. Nodding to the contrast of life that both breaks and heals the heart. Making room for my spirit to continue to develop and to embrace total abundance. And deeply remembering in my roots : I belong and so do you.

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