Yesterday, I went on a walk in the woods. Anna fell asleep on me.
I stood in one place for minutes watching 4 dragonflies dance with one another. Their tails were neon. I spotted spiders + their webs in the sunlight, raindrops glistening on leaves. I walked a path I’ve never walked before and landed on a bench in the sun. My eyes were heavy from waking at 5:30 am. I felt the weight of a sleeping baby on my heart – balm for my soul. And there I sat, and dreamt, seeing what is underneath, wanting, waiting to emerge.
My past few posts have been a reflection of where I am as a mother + a human these past few months : adjusting. And sometimes it is uncomfortable! There are intense growing pains, as I evolve. There are heartaches and intense JOY. I fully feel the range of all the feelings on the spectrum even though it would be way more comfortable to hang in the middle, I wouldn’t really be living.
Maybe that’s one of the keys to happiness – to feel it all – even the feelings you don’t want to feel. The ugly + messy ones. The ones that hurt, because those are the ones that usher in joy.Post a comment
Anna is 6 months. I have lost so much of myself, and then found parts I haven’t seen before. Her presence has shifted so much of how I operate.
Before she arrived, I had no idea how significantly my life would change. I probably was in denial, but how could I comprehend such a shift? I thought things would go on pretty much as usual.
In the beginning they did. While she slept I daydreamed and wrote. I read and napped. I brainstormed about where I wanted to go with my projects, my teachings, my writings. Then as she woke up more and more, started to roll, then sit, then eat… that quiet time vanished and I really struggled.
Shortly after her birth, I felt like I continued to birth idea after idea, after idea. I filled multiple journals, with seemingly brilliant ideas and I wanted to implement them right away. I suffered because I had no time or energy to go tend to them, and I really wanted to. I stopped making things. I stopped listening to my heart because I couldn’t find any space or time to do so. I cried a lot. I felt very stuck.
Eventually I had to trust that these ideas would be there for when I am ready. I also had to make a clear space for just me and my heart to be.
I still get caught in all I am wanting to do, and feel unable to do it : garden, clean the house, take a peaceful shower, respond timely to messages, sleep through the night… But here I am nurturing this brand new life, and that is a divine gift.
Daily I am sorting out what is worth my time and practicing patience. These two kids of mine really help me sort out my priorities – and emphasize the continuous work in progress that I am, that this family, this house, this life is, that dreams are. And how lucky I am to create, nurture, and witness such incredible life before my eyes.
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…to begin again. I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been questioning if my work matters. I’m realizing it does.
I went on the trip of a lifetime with my family. Rome for 4 days, Tuscany for 6. Magic, roses, lavender, piazzas, gelato, espresso, and food cooked with so much love that I could literally taste it.
There have been peaks so high, and valleys so low. And I guess that is how it goes.
The month of May was soft. I hosted The Sanctuary, an online space for moms to pause + connect. It was a very special thing to create. I also surrendered a lot. I let go of a lot of ideas, projects, tasks, + lists.
Then we went to Italy, which rejuvenated every cell of my being. Upon return I felt ready to engage again, full on, and I didn’t pace myself. I wanted everything to happen immediately, there was no patience. I suffered.
Now, it’s nearing the end of June and I’m ready to offer something of my heart again – in whatever form it will take. I made wishes for the summer, and am practicing softness in every moment I can remember.
Most of all I want to loosen my grip + notice the light.
Happy summer to you all, let your heart make some wishes for this time.Post a comment
I feel like I need a moment to recover – to process. My attention is scattered, and I want to do 20 things at the same time, when in reality… I have a dirty diaper to change.
I find myself longing the days (pre-second baby) where I had the early mornings to myself and have some sort of quiet time. Now I’m up early – nursing, juggling, dressing, and it’s all wonderful, but I miss that luxurious ritual I had.
I need new ways to connect to myself that makes sense to my life right now, as a mom of two, with many ideas of my own I’d like to tend to.
All I can do is try something out and see if it works. All I can do is accept the fact that things aren’t going to look like they did yesterday, or 3 months ago, nor would I want them to. All I can do is get quiet enough so I can set an intention that is true for what I am wanting, and connect to it as often as I can.
If you are a mom : The Sanctuary : an online space to pause + connect begins Sunday, May 1st. It is a month designed to bring ritual + ease into your days, so you can feel grounded + elevated while caring for yourself and your family.
You can sign up here, it would be a treat to have you.Post a comment
Written in honor of Anna:
Bless her heart, as she teaches us to live from ours.
Bless her eyes, as she teaches us to see the magic in this world.
Bless her hands, as she reminds us to grab only what is truly important.
Bless her feet, as she teaches us how to move with grace.
Really she is our blessing, but still we bless her:
And thank her for joining this family,
and for all that she will teach us.Post a comment
Having a child upped the ante.
Life was not only about me, yet in a way became more about me. I wanted to be the absolute best version of myself, so I could teach from example, rather than live through regrets + what ifs.
There was no more time to settle. So I leapt.
I left my career teaching dance in the schools full time to be a mom, but also to pursue the things that were calling deep within me, that I wasn’t brave enough yet to follow.
I began focusing more on teaching yoga + making malas which made me feel connected to my core. Which made me feel like I could be a present mother, if I was truly happy.
And now, that I have a new baby to care for, it is all changing again. It is uncomfortable as I grope around for what is next, for who I am to become next. And I crave a one word description, something to follow – unsettled by another change. So I’m taking one step at a time, I’m getting back to teaching yoga, making malas, and creating The Sanctuary, an online space for moms to pause and connect.
I will always be a mom, and there will always be versions of myself that will shift + change, and as murky and as it may feel – I have to trust that moving through it will bring the light.
So here is to your evolution : may it be deep and sweet.
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The other day I was making dinner, and felt the incredible urge to do 20 things at once. Chop the onion, grate the cheese, set the table, make a salad, cut the bread, tend to the kids… whatever it was, there were many things I felt like I had to do – all at once.
However, luckily I was making risotto, which requires you to stand at the pot and stir the rice until the broth is absorbed, and then add some more. This meal doesn’t really allow you to multitask – because your presence is needed while it cooks.
So I tried to do it all, until I realized I couldn’t. So, instead I planted my feet and stirred until the rice was cooked and we were ready to eat.
When I feel like I should be doing everything, I often need to stop and do nothing.
It always gets figured out.Post a comment
I heard this mantra from Judith Lasater, during a conversation with Elena Brower. She uses it when she catches herself in a less than ideal moment, thought pattern, habit, etc.
“How human of me…”
Gentle, compassionate, tender bow – to yourself + your humanness – when you need a dose of loving forgiveness, instead of judgement, criticism, etc.
I have been enjoying it in moments after I have : eaten too much chocolate, harshly reacted instead of thoughtful responded, wasted time mindlessly scrolling, noticed my heart closed instead of open…
Grateful for those few words, that remind me – I am human.
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You are 6 weeks old and I am reminded of how fast this goes. Your big brother is proof, he started out like you and now he is two!
You are reminding me of so much:
Of how little control I have, of how much beauty lies in stillness, of what an illusion perfection + completion are. You are helping me see what is important and what isn’t, even though it sometimes takes me a while to figure it out.
You are a delight… almost all of the time, except the times you are crying and I have no idea why. Your cheeks are amazingly round and you smile right before you fall asleep.
You are adored and I hope you can feel that.
MomPost a comment
My husband smashed a geode in the driveway before we rushed to the hospital to have a baby. The rock was unassuming on the outside, but filled with pockets of amazing sparkle on the inside.
Anna is cracking me open. In magnificent + heartbreaking ways.
I can see my strengths and weaknesses that much more clearly. Like looking through a magnifying glass.
Some days I “have it together” – whatever that means.
Other days I feel as if motherhood is swallowing me whole, and my brain is tired mush by dinner time.
But really, I should never claim to have it together. For if I do, it is specific to that moment. And most likely related to if I got any sleep.
Because just as parenting goes, once I have it “figured out” it changes, just like that.Post a comment