Sacred Allowing

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Elliot Thomas is a month today, and what a blessing he is.

Of all the things I’d like to say of this bleary eyed new born stage : it is this – for the first time (as he is my third) I have really given myself tremendous space to heal + come back together. To the point where I have only left the house two times to go to the doctor.

I have a lot of help, for which I am incredibly grateful. I have a postpartum doula who helps with laundry, dishes, groceries, meal prep, holding Elliot, and perhaps most important of all : companionship. My husband, friends + family help with dropping off + picking up the kids at school, as well as sharing nourishing meals with us, and a babysitter who basically helps with everything + anything we should need.  I have only been alone with all three kids for brief stretches, which at this point is all I feel I can handle.

With all of this support I have quiet to take a bath in the middle of the day, nap whenever I can, read, write, and be still + present to connect to this miraculous being.

I often have to remind myself : I am not lazy, or weak. I am actually doing one of the most important things of giving myself ample time to mend before I return to the world again. Inspired by the postpartum yoga training I did at Mama’s Wellness Joint with Lara Kohn Thompson, as well as the book : The First Forty Days – I learned there are three stages to having a baby : pregnancy + labor / delivery + recovery (traditionally for 40 days). Previously, I never took time to recover, I kind of thought I should just get back to life as it was, and so I did. I’m learning how important this sacred time is to allow the new version of a mother of three to emerge.

It looks + feels different for everyone – there is no right formula.  It has been a trial and error for me, as I figure out how much I can handler. Sometimes overextending myself and feeling depleted – realizing  I have to pull back and lean on the support I have.

I am quite comfortable here in this little cocoon, and I’m only slightly worried I will never emerge – as that is probably when life with three kids will get really real. But I am trusting I will soon feel ready, and can ease in softly. I already feel myself getting stronger.

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“The self you leave behind is only a skin you have outgrown.

Don’t grieve for it.

Look to the wet, raw, unfinished self, the one you are becoming.”

-Pat Schneider

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10 Days Overdue

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The agony of waiting intensifies each day.

Feeling really, really pregnant doesn’t really feel easy.

The pressure of wondering what I should be doing to activate labor feels heavy.

The instantaneous evaporation of my birth plan is shattering. What I’ve wanted to avoid : induction – is now not an alternative for medical reasons, and is scheduled for tonight.

Worst case scenarios flutter through my mind, and I spiral into worry.

And in the end I must remember : I have a choice.

Even though certain things are seemingly out of my control, I can carve a perspective of possibility.

Because I want to seek out what is best, rather than actively predict the worst.

Because this is about the baby’s safe arrival and my grip has to loosen (again).

Because as we all know, things don’t always go according to plan.

And what seems all so massive to me now, I slowly realize will soon be a mere blip.

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In Between

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One foot here, one foot there.

All of the unknown beckons right around the corner.

Aware of a major transition, yet simultaneously in denial that anything is going to change.

Searching for a rhythm within each day.

Acutely aware of everything that is real today will eventually dissolve.

A family of 4 becomes a family of 5.

Reminding myself soon I will have to let go + surrender, whenever the time comes to usher in this new life. This is hard for me.

Like waiting for a bus and being fully present at the station; it can come at anytime.

Letting it be OK to feel scared, and nervous, and unsure of everything that will follow.

Trusting when it is time I will be ready to give myself over to birth a miracle, to loose myself + enter within.

Let me drop expectations of past birth experiences, of other people’s stories.

Let me free the wishes I am strongly gripping of how I’d like things to be.

Allow me to be carried.

Allow me to connect me with the fierce goddess that resides within + all the many who came before me.

Let me feel the flow + rhythm of the universe within while accessing my deep inner strength + softness.

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On Expansion

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As I get closer to birth this third baby I have experienced waves of incredible overwhelm, followed by washes of peace. I am briefly settled even with the vast unknown + uncertainty of all that is to come hovering close, and then once the tangles smooth out, a whole other collection of anxieties beckon. And this continuous ebb + flow takes me for quite a ride.

I’m needing more and more time to land, to fall into myself, to nap, to be still, to listen, and mostly to trust.

I am not late in my arrival.

I am just on time

I am excited about the idea of open space, I practice biting just enough to satiate + fulfill me.

There is more time, more days : I need not cram it all in.

I move gracefully + thoughtfully.

I cherish what is in front of me.

Deep in my bones lies an infinite well of gratitude, which I tap into daily + which fuels how I move.

I see the world from possibility.

I see the world from a lens of kindness.

I share my spirit freely + generously, which fuels me.

I honor my creativity, my heartbeat, my rhythm, my family.

I tune into my joy + what is going to resonate deep within my heart.

And I ask for guidance in all it’s forms so I can remain receptive to all the nudges.

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Home

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Yesterday marked three years of living in our home.

I feel like I should apologize to it, as I spent the last week glaring at all its shortcomings. I think it was due to a vacation hangover. After returning from our two week trip to NY where I experienced so much joy + ease, beauty, time in nature, sweet company, beautiful home spaces, + nourishing food that the challenges from children + travel + all the feelings of being 7 months pregnant have already receded into the background.

When I returned home, I was grateful to be home, but also acutely aware of how our home lacked in comparison to the spaces I spent time in while away. I immediately wanted to implement new paint colors, textiles, rugs, wood floors, swinging porch seats, and outdoor benches – not to mention finally pay attention to our garden all within the second I returned.

This is a pattern, it happens when I return to our home with fresh eyes, and instead of seeing what is working I focus on what is wrong with everything. That is where my gaze landed and pulled me deep into suffering. This was all exasperated with being with the kids all the time, which offered me little space to recalibrate + space to process.  It was exhausting.

Now, my drive to alter everything has softened. I even went to West Elm looking for rugs + benches + chairs, and walked away empty-handed, and now I am reminded with these words :

“[Home] suggests a nest where intimacy and belonging foster identity and individuality. When a place to belong is assured, the adventures of growth can begin with great promise… It stands for the sure center where individual life is shaped and from where it journeys forth. What it ultimately intends is that each of its individuals would develop the capacity to be at home in themselves.”

-John O’Donohue

 

So to this dear home of ours :

Thank you :

Thank you for sheltering us, for keeping us warm + safe.

Thank you for being a palate where beauty + love are constantly expressed and forever evolving.

Thank you for room to grow in all it’s senses.

Thank you for the spaces you provide to gather, create + reflect.

Thank you for your flexibility + understanding of the messes that take a while to get cleaned up.

Thank you for being home to this family.

 

 

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Summer Blessings

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There was a slow creep into summer, and then, wham, it hit and I felt the shift : s’mores, pool, full on rainbow sighting, camping in the backyard, ice-cream, sprinkler, gathering with friends, and trips planned + packing for.

Along with the longest day of light, illuminated an intense darkness, suffering, + a deep sense of grief churned up in this world. A lot to process, pray for, and the invitation to recognize the many blessings laid upon me + my world.

So here I am noticing noticing the abundance + refining what I was made for, and how I want to show up for this season.

I am made for prayer.

I am made for ease.

I am made for community.

I am made for delight.

I am made to move slowly.

I am made to notice.

I am made to release.

I am made to be generous.

I am made to live from my spirit.

I am made to create.

I am made to bask.

I am made to connect.

I am made to be here.

 

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“That’s what I consider true generosity. You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.” – Simone de Beauvoir

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